Tag Archives: caregiving

Our Secret Language

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I will never know why or how this crazy idea came to me.

I had just started shooting video with my smartphone, and boom, here is the one-take result. No, I don’t know how to edit, but I do know how to hold a pretty steady camera and keep it rolling when all I wanted to do was laugh.

Grab a handful of popcorn and take a look. Don’t worry, you won’t need subtitles. Just go with flow and enjoy this shorter-than-short take on what is pure fun, and pure mom.

Bolt from the Blue

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Splash of Blue

Topped Off with a Splash of Blue

Melissa: Hey Helen, Tom‘s on his way back from the Eastern Shore. He went fishing this weekend, so I wanted to come over and wish you a happy Mother’s Day! (Pause) Helen, who is Tom?

Mom: Who?

Melissa: Tom.

Mom: He’s that boy who loves me.

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.”  Thomas Merton

Heavenly Message From Our Earth Angel

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Our very own Earth Angel

Two nights ago my mobile device let me know, in no uncertain terms, that it had received a message on my behalf. My first reaction was to be mad at who messaged me, and my second was to be mad at myself because I hadn’t put my message signal on mute. Damn the world and damn me!

Melissa and I had rushed home after a visit next door with mom and her live-in caregiver, Carolyn, aka our earth angel. We were eating a quick fix dinner in front of the TV because “The Voice” was on. And, we really love that show. I repeat, we really love that show. In fact, we tell our clients, students and everyone in our friendship circle that they can call us anytime day or night … except the nights that “The Voice” is doing its thing. That is a nonnegotiable-no-no, plain and simple.

But, when I saw the message was from Carolyn, I immediately focused on it. Even though Carolyn and mom were right next door, I knew I had to read the message. You never know what it could be, so your whole body goes on high alert.

So, with “The Voice” in the background, here was the message tree as it unfolded:

Our Earth Angel: What a nice visit tonight! It’s amazing to see the impact you have on your mother. The human spirit … wild!

Have a good night.

Mortal Me: Now you’ve done it, Carolyn … your kind message has my tear ducts working overtime. 

How do you expect me to watch “The Voice” with massive tears in my eyes?

BTW, from now on, if it’s not an emergency, only message me during commercials.

(Whoops … I meant to be funny, but maybe it came off as a bit harsh. I sure didn’t mean to ruffle any feathers. I better message back quickly.)

Mortal Me: By the way, you will never know just how much your message means to me.

(Oh, my God, yes you will. You are an angel. You know everything about our family and more.)

Thank you, thank you, thank you … and most of all thank you for being you! Like I said, you are an angel … our genuine, one-of-a-kind, Earth Angel.

(Even after this message, I felt I still needed to make sure our Earth Angel knew how much we appreciated her and her original message. I only paused long enough to ask Melissa who didn’t garner enough digital votes to make the night’s final cut on The Voice. She assured me all of my favorites would live to perform another day, so all was right in my world.)

Mortal Me: OK, Carolyn … I am having second thoughts … with messages like the one that kick started this conversation, you may message or call me anytime … day or night, 24/7/365 (Yes, even if/when “The Voice” is in full swing.) Operators standing by!

(That had to do it! I was bee-lining it to the kitchen to create the world’s greatest caramel sundae for me, myself and I. I was a happy dude. Whoops … there’s the signal … another message!)

Our Earth Angel: Laugh on!

You and Melissa are a blessing to me. This arrangement has helped me to rediscover so much about myself. I was at a major crossroad last year, and now life is so much clearer. Thank you for the opportunity to care for your mother. This is truly a God Thing!

Good night.

(At this stage, I knew I didn’t need to message back. After all, she is our earth angel. She hears my heart and my soul. She cares for all of us.

All I had to do was whisper, “Good night”.)

Sun, Sun, Sun, Here It Comes

Little darling
It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter
Little darling
It feels like years that it’s been here

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I’m celebrating and commemorating my little darling’s epoch-making 95th winter almost ending and 95th spring almost beginning with two exclamation points!!

I thought about doing it with ninety-five exclamation points, but that would be a little over the top. So, I’ll just silently count ninety-five of them, point by point, as they prance and dance around in my head.

This has been one mighty long, cold winter and mom, as usual, has been a mighty warrior standing up to Old Man W.

Mom may have had the sniffles a time or two, but she never missed a day at Circle Center Adult Day Care. She has traveled by wheel chair from her home to her waiting chariot, to Circle Center and back in rain, sleet, snow, wind, and cold, cold, cold!

Did I mention cold?

She never complained, never hid under the covers, never did anything but get bundled up and go like a windup toy. How many of you can hold a hand up and count yourself as one with mom?

Mom is tough stuff. Even with a father who started his career in medicine as a horse and buggy doctor, she never took advantage of it. She never got sick.

Do I hear an exclamation?

Exclamation!

Amen!

Little darling
The smiles returning to the faces
Little darling
It seems like years since it’s been here

I smile every time I’m with my ninety-five year old little darling, because she always smiles at me first. And, when she smiles, I smile. It’s as simple as that. It can be cold as ice or hotter than hell … I know I’ll get a smile out of her, guaranteed!

For the rest of the us, spring will be heating our lips up enough to have smiles returning to our faces, but for mom, that patented smile of hers never left.

That’s ninety-five, unstoppable, smile filled years … yep, you guessed it … !

For mom being a smiling mom through thick and thin, I brought her a handpicked daffodil.

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Little darling
I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it’s been clear

No matter how promising it sounds when the Beatles sing their song, Here Comes the Sun, ice slowly melting is not nearly fast enough for me.

Today, I had to bundle up and replace a dripping outdoor water spigot (funny word) at mom’s. It was making unwanted icicles, and and adding unwanted expenses to the water bill. How cold was it? So cold that I was one of only a handful of people who braved the cold to be in a Walmart … that’s how cold (time for another exclamation)!

Two days ago, Melissa and I were hiking in the Blue Ridge mountains, experiencing spring springing up on one side of the mountain, the same time it was snowing on the other. Even the wildlife looked confused.

Tom Spring Springing Melissa Spring Springing Spring Springing Tom Melissa Snow Mountains

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun
And, I say, it’s all right

Mom is still aware of the seasons. In the winter she points to trees and calls them naked. It the spring and summer, she knows they turned over a new leaf. She likes to have the window cracked just a bit when she is in the car. She loves the feel of the warm breeze.

Having spent the majority of my life in the Sunshine State of Florida, I love the sun. In fact, it was one winter, after a long career in Richmond, that was the straw that broke one frozen camel’s back and sent me packing back to Florida for seventeen years before coming full circle back to Richmond to care for my mom and sister.

Call me crazy, but I’ll take light over dark any day. And, I’ll take warm over cold the same way. The only places I really love ice are in my tea, my cocktails and when it’s cooling off a cooler full of beer.

So, again I look up to the lady who has been shorter than me for most of my life, that little stick of dynamite, my mom. My little darling, mom, is a mom for all seasons, but as for me, I’m a sunshiner!

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
And I say, it’s alright

Sunshine Daffodils

 

 

 

First in Flight

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Who knew rag dolls could fly?

Mom’s most perfect of pitches (that had me in stitches) is picture proof that she launched Madeline, the very first rag doll ever, into space!

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Mom’s Short Glory Story

Me:

Mom, who is Jesus?

Mom:

Jesus was a little boy.

His dad was God.

God told Jesus, “Always do the right thing. And, after you do the right thing, do it over and over again, but even better.”

That’s it.

Me:

That’s it!

 

Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You

mom bites blog picMY MOM BITES.

And, she throws a mean left hook. Oh, and while I’m at it, I might as well share the bark part. She barks out words I never, ever heard her say in my entire life (my worst fear is that she may have picked them up from me).

There, I’ve said it … my mom is my little stick of dynamite and should come equipped with a warning sign.

I’ve been told it’s the disease. I have been told it is a primal place she goes when she feels threatened, agitated or confused. I have even been told she has a mean streak. Dementia, old age, constipation, the next stage, whatever … warning, warning, warning.

Now, before you go back and reread all of my blogs and say they were a cover up, or made up, or not on the up and up, please know they are all true. But, so are the things I am describing in this blog.

Mom in a Blanket

Shhh! Let sleeping moms lie.

Most of the time mom is indeed a joyful person. Most of the time she is cooperative and appreciative of those of us who are lending her a hand. Most of the time she lulls you into believing it’s going to be all of the time, but it’s not … and the change, more often than not, occurs without warning.

People who care for my mom love her.

People who care for my mom are wary of her (remember that mean left hook).

And, I am by no means the only one experiencing all of the above. I have friends who I met in the Circle Center Adult Day Care support group who are also primary caregivers for a loved one, At times, my friends look more challenged than who they’re caring for.

No one I have ever known looks forward to waking up in the morning (or middle of the night) to be bitten, hit, or barked at … especially by someone you love.

And yet, when caregivers share their stories with each other, they/we always express that we feel guilty for the way we feel. Or, feeling it must be something we’re doing (or not doing) to provoke the behaviors we’re on the receiving end of.

So, we just take it.

TOM’S WARNING: Caregiving is not for the weak of heart. You must be damn tall to ride this ride.

WHAT IT TAKES.

It takes courage.

It takes willpower.

It takes conviction.

It takes love.

And, if you are not careful, it takes you out.

Word to the wise: TAKE CARE!

Never forget, caregiving is a give and take proposition.

The problem is, we give so much, we forget the mission critical importance of the take part.

Caring for yourself and letting others care for you are the keys to your sustainability.

This is not a sprint … it is not even a marathon … it is a run for your life!

TAKE CARE!

Take time outs.

Take time for yourself.

Take memories.

Take a cry.

Take a laugh.

Take hugs.

Take a hot bubble bath … make a that a double.

Take help from yourself.

Take help from others.

Take care whenever and wherever you can get it and never feel guilty or unworthy.

Take guilt and the feeling of unworthiness and throw them away.

Take pride in what you are accomplishing and applaud the courage it often takes to meet the ever changing, always rearranging needs of your loved one.

Take whatever it takes to protect your individuality and your right to make a life for yourself.

Never forget … caregiving is a give and take proposition. If you do forget, it will come back to bite you.

For every give you give, make sure you take a take.

We’ve all heard the familiar mantra of the airline flight attendants during their pre-flight instructions, “…make sure to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attempting to help someone else put on theirs.”

The question is, are you are listening?

Make this your mantra!

TAKE CARE!

Serenity Prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and (the) wisdom to know the difference.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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