Category Archives: humor

The Story of the Seasons and the Trees

The oaks and the pines, and their brethren of the wood, have seen so many suns rise and set, so
many seasons come and go, and so many generations pass into silence, that we may well wonder
what ‘the story of the trees’ would be to us if they had tongues to tell it, or we ears fine enough to
understand.– Anonymous

One thing’s for sure mom, like the brethren of the wood, has seen so many suns rise and set, so many seasons come and go …

She has witnessed ninety-one, going on ninety-two, winters (mom was born Christmas Day, 1919), springs, summers, and falls.

And, yes, her world still has seasons.

Her ninety-one years on this planet have sharpened all five of her senses that are  indelibly linked to the changes the four seasons bring.

She does not mince words when describing seasons or the weather.

Summer is too hot and too bright. Winter is too cold and too dark. Fall and spring are not too hot, not too bright, not too cold and not too dark. Fall and spring are “just right” … mom’s words for perfect.

Mom’s heating and air conditioning bills attest to my commitment to try and make all the seasons “just right” for her.

As for mom’s take on the weather, when it rains or snows, it’s too wet. When it’s not raining or snowing, it’s too dry. Thunder is too loud and shaky, and lightning blinks and is way too bright.

And that’s it … except for spring and fall. Rain, even if it comes equipped with thunder and lightning, is encouraged and applauded.

For mom, springtime is for rejuvenation, jubilation and celebration. She instinctively knows everything and everyone made it through the too cold and too dark winter season and that she is ready to rejoice and embrace the “just right” new season with open arms and warm heart. It is the season of Resurrection, rebirth and promise.

I believe spring is mom’s happiest season … springtime in Virginia that is!

For the last couple of weeks, mom has talked non-stop about what she sees on our drive to and from adult day care.

“Look at that, Tom! Look at that tree! It is putting its clothes back on! And so are all those others! Can you believe it?!”

“What color are their clothes, mom?”

“Green! A wonderful green! All of those trees were so sticky when they were cold … just sticks (in the winter). Now they look great!” Do you see those trees? Don’t they look great?!”

“Yes, mam!”

“They should be in a magazine, don’t you think so? They were nothing but naked and out in the cold.  Now they are putting all of their clothes back on. Look at that … they are all wearing green. Just look at that!”

“I love it, mom! Everything is right with the world.”

“I love it, too! I just really love it! Look at that one and that one, Tom (pointing to trees on both sides of the road) … they are so big now! Have you ever seen trees so big in your life?!”

“No mam, never have. I’ll say it again, everything is right with the world … just right … that’s what it is, mom. Just right!”

Out of nowhere, mom starts singing one of her favorite songs of late, Bringing in the Sheaves, but this time she substitutes leaves for sheaves.

She is singing at the top of her voice and I am singing right along with her, “Bringing in the leaves, bringing in the leaves, we will come rejoicing, bringing in the leaves.”

And, I believed that if I only had ears fine enough to understand, the trees were singing in perfect harmony with us.

There was not a doubt in my mind that mom was hearing them loud and clear.

America Counts on Mom

Mom on Mom:

I have always been this smart.

My daddy says, sugar, you are the smartest person I have ever known. And, that is true.

I can listen, I can speak, I can sing and I can find things.

So when the president of the United States of America needs something done or needs something found, I am one he comes to see.

And, when he says to me, Helen Douglas Martin, I need you to go fix what needs to be fixed or find what needs to be found, I get up from this table and go do it, because that is what I do … always have.

That’s why presidents love me.

I know them all.

I am strong. I am an American.

I love the United States of America.

I am smart. Everything I have ever done, I have done it in half the time of anybody I have ever known.

Every president of the United States of America has said to me, Helen Douglas Martin, you do the best things that have ever been done in the history of America.

Me on Mom:

The truth is, mom and my sister, Nel, were commissioned by the Smithsonian Institution’s National Portrait Gallery to do the silhouettes of Nixon, Ford, Bush Sr. and his wife, Barbara. I believe they also did other presidents, but I can’t recall who, so I will have to do a little research before sharing more with you.

Mom and Nel have a portfolio of many notable leaders of our country,  as well as visiting dignitaries and celebrities.

I can recall offhand, silhouettes of Andy Warhol, Martha Stewart, Sandra Day O’Connor and all of the Supreme Court Justices that served with her, and Strom Thurman, and his daughter, Essie Mae Washington-Williams.

All of the above, including the presidents, were done in person. Mom always has said she and Nel had about and hour with each dignitary and that they were able to have real conversations with them all.

I know for a fact that Sandra Day O’Conner and Gerald Ford stayed in touch with both my mom and sister long after having had their profiles done.

So, mom really did know presidents. And, for all I know, she might have worked for the CIA.

After all, she can listen, speak, sing and find things. And, she is one of  the smartest people I have ever known.

What else do you need … to be a spy?

Secret Agent Mom, Secret Agent Mom,

They’ve given you a number and taken away your name.

I will keep you posted.

In the meantime, Mom’s the word.

Bringing in the Sheaves – Mom’s Version

Bringing in the Sheaves – Lyrics

Sowing in the morning, sowing seeds of kindness,

Sowing in the noontide and the dewy eve;

Waiting for the harvest, and the time of reaping,

We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.

Refrain

Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves,

We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves,

Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves,

We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.

–  Knowles Shaw, 1874

“Bringing in the Sheaves” is a popular American hymn that I have sung my entire life. It’s just one of those songs on the required singing list for Baptist preachers’ kids (as well as their parents’ congregations).

And, the fact is, I love this song.

My mom, dad, sister and I would sing it a cappella in four part harmony and it was beautiful. We sang lots of songs together and singing was one of the ties that bonded our family together for life.

Mom sang in the church choir for a long as I can remember. She sang soprano and always strategically sat right behind dad’s pulpit. If his sermon went even one second past noon, those of us in the know could hear the faint tap, tap, tap of mom’s right shoe reminding dad to speed it up so the Baptist could beat the Presbyterians to the cafeteria for lunch.

Mom still sings something or another each and every day … anytime and anywhere.

It could be with me, with her adult day care cronies or by her lonesome. Jesus Loves the Little Children, This Little Light of Mine, Old Susanna, Coming Round the Mountain and America the Beautiful are a few of her current favorites. And, she can belt them out like nobody’s business, her hands and feet never missing a beat.

I can even get her to sing a little rock and roll with me, but that’s another story for another time.

Another song on mom’s current play list is Bringing in the Sheaves.

One of mom’s challenges with most of her songs is that she can’t remember all of the words. She never forgets the tune, and she lets not remembering stop her. She just makes up words that rhyme and keeps on going. Her lyrics are often better than the original and always more entertaining.

Here is mom’s latest version of the refrain of Bringing in the Sheaves:

Bringing in the sheets, bringing in the sheets,

We are washing dolphins, bringing in the sheets.

I believe, if we only knew the hidden meaning of her words, we could unlock the secret of life.

In the meantime, it is truly the secret to making any human on this planet smile from ear to ear.

Tell me it isn’t so!

This Little Light Concert – The Video

When people leave my concerts, they’re better human beings than they were when they arrived, but not because of me … not because of me. It’s because the main character of my concerts is life and life is exciting. – Facundo Cabral, Argentine Singer and Composer

Mom can play a table like Jerry Lee Lewis plays a piano.

It makes for hot licks, hot tunes and hot times in the old house tonight!

Together, Mom and I make ” This Little Light  of Mine” shine like there’s no tomorrow!

Be sure and watch mom’s famous hand-over-hand moves on the repeat of the first verse. Amazing!

So, what are you waiting for, grab yourself a table, play it in the key of G, sing along with us and enjoy this little jewel of a concert!

Warning! The hand-over-hand moves are for professional table players only. What looks simple, takes 90+ years to perfect, so you may not want to try them too fast or you could severely injure yourself, not to mention the table. 

Hair Bolts

Symbolic of life, hair bolts from our head(s). Like the earth, it can be harvested, but it will rise again. We can change its color and texture when the mood strikes us, but in time it will return to its original form, just as Nature will in time turn our precisely laid-out cities into a weed-way.

― Diane AckermanA Natural History of the Senses

Hairy Mom

I love mom’s hair. It is as white as white can be and in the morning, before I brush it, it goes every which way and then some!

Brushing it generates enough static electricity that  it mimics a high voltage lightning display … like zillions of zip zapping lightning bolts electrifying the entire universe with their dance.

You can hear the snaps, crackles and pops. You can feel its powerful, mystical forces as you tame the tangles, like weeds in an unattended garden.

Hairy Cactus

So, when I saw this little spitting image of the back of mom’s head at Strange’s Garden Center in Richmond, I had to take a closer look to see what it was, and low and behold, it was a Hairy Cactus, aka Cousin It.

I immediately gave it a new name … Hairy Mom.

I impulsively bought one for each of my daughters so that they could have a living, breathing (yes plants breathe … just not like we do) replica of their grandmother to take back to their homes in Wilmington, NC.

When they opened their gifts, both of my daughters exclaimed in unison, “It’s grama!”

It was an afterthought, but I wish I had bought them both a miniature brushes to go with their miniature gramas.

I wanted my daughters to start everyday experiencing the supernatural forces at work when they brushed the hair bolts, transforming them into lightning bolts with every stroke  …  knowing that their grama was, is and always will be a force of Nature … a force to be reckoned with.

Snap, crackle, pop …

Never Forget You’re an Angel from Heaven

My Angels!

This memory stuff weighs heavy on my mind.

I think about it all the time.Mom’s dementia and my sister’s long battle with Alzheimer’s (Nel passed away last March 28th) are constant reminders of just how fragile our minds and memories are.

I was helping mom walk from the car to her home and we had a little hill we had to get over to reach the backdoor. I was saying, “Way to go, mom! You are one strong lady taking this hill the way you do. Have you been jogging and lifting weights?”

Mom said, “Sure have. I am one strong little girl.”

“Have you always been as strong as you are now?” I asked.

“You better believe it. My daddy said, Sugar, you are the strongest girl in the United States of America, and that’s it.”

“Did he say that about your two brothers and sister?”

“No! Just me. He would say, Sugar, you are an angel from heaven. You do everything right. Never forget it.”

And, if you knew PaPa (the name we grandkids called mom’s dad) like I did, you knew when he told you to do something, it wasn’t an option.

I asked mom if she was still an angel. Without even blinking an eye, she said, “Oh I am, and I love it!”

Her answer made me think of my daughters, Tovi and Lissi.

Before I publish this blog, I want them to know their dad believes they are heavenly angels, too, just like their grandmother.

If my daughters remember nothing else about me, I want them to remember that I know they are angels from heaven … that they do everything right.

I have been a believer since the day they were born.

My prayer is, like mom, they will always believe it, too. And,no matter what, never forget it.

 

Secrets of Communion

Me: Mom, what’s Communion?

Mom: Well, Communion is a very important time when everyone in church comes together. They read their bibles and then serve snacks.

Me: Is that when everyone drinks Jesus’s blood?

Mom: Some people believe it’s blood, but it’s not. What they are really drinking is something that comes in little packets.

And, you know what, my little sister, Nel, and I knew the secrets of Communion ever sense we were little bitty preacher’s kids helping mom, dad and some members of the church mix four parts water with one part Welch’s Concentrated Concord Grape Juice.

The directions called for three parts, but, after all, we were Baptist!

Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”

As a kid, it was hard enough getting my head around the fact that just by stirring four parts water with frozen grape juice it transformed into Jesus’s blood, much less that his body was really made up of little square pieces of Wonder Bread.

My job was to cut the crust off each slice of bread first with a sharp knife.

My sister and I were not allowed to cut the bread into squares … mom was afraid we would cut ourselves.

And when he had given thanks, he broke it (the bread) and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

Somehow, I felt special knowing only a few trusted grown ups knew these secrets, and other than my sister and me, no kids.

Even now, I want to remind my mom that Jesus’s blood doesn’t come in packets … it comes in cylindrical containers.

For all I know, I may be the only one left who remembers these genuine, original, tall order recipes. After all, mom, you’re the one who let me in on our little family secrets and taught me how to make this magical, mystical stuff, loaded with faith and symbolism that was way beyond my grasp, once upon a time, a long, long time ago.

All I knew back then was that we weren’t just helping “build strong bodies 8 ways” … we were helping build everlasting souls.

Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.”

Bosom Buddies

Scene: Somewhere, out of the blue.

Mom: I like bosoms.

Me: I like bosoms, too.

Mom: I think they look good when you put them on your clothes.

Me: (laughing)

Mom: I like to put them on my clothes and take them with me everywhere I go.

Me: (laughing hysterically)

Mom: Why are you laughing?

Me: I like bosoms.

Mom: Me too.

Me: I guess that makes us bosom buddies.

Mom: Yep.

Me: I love you, mom!

Mom’s a Non-Denominational Rock of Ages

To the lady who asked me, a nonagenarian is someone in their nineties, not a religious denomination.

The population of Americans aged 90-plus nearly tripled in the past three decades, reaching 1.9 million in 2010, according to a new report released by the U.S. Census Bureau and supported by the National Institute on Aging.

Those in the 90-plus age range represent 4.7% of the 65-and-older population in the U.S., according to the report. This is up from 2.8% in 1980.

By the year 2050, the number of U.S. nonagenarians is expected to more than quadruple to roughly 8.7 million Americans. This age group should account for about 10% of all American seniors.

Traditionally, the cutoff age for what is considered the ‘oldest old’ has been age 85, but increasingly people are living longer and the older population itself is getting older. Given its rapid growth, the 90-and-older population merits a closer look.

Is 90 becoming the new 85?

Ask my mom and she will tell she doesn’t know and she doesn’t care.

She will let you know in no uncertain terms that she is nowhere near being ‘old’, much less  ‘oldest old’.

She will tell you, without any hesitation whatsoever, that she is six! And that’s it!

To be fair, there are times mom will tell you, without any hesitation whatsoever, she is two, too. But, women often shave off a few years of there age when asked, so I think she really means six.

So, when it comes to mom, throw the nonagenarian descriptor out the window.  To me, she is a genuine, one-of-a-kind rock of ages, and she is still rocking & rolling through life like she has since she first arrived on this planet anywhere from 6 to 92 years ago.

Mom’s Quick Take on Death

Me: Mom, what is death?

Mom: Oh, that’s when you get on your knees, crawl on the ground and get in the dirt. That’s it.

Your family and friends come and bring some flowers they fixed and talk about the good things you did, if you did any.

If you didn’t, it’s a very difficult time for everybody.

It takes about two hours … that’s a short time or long time.